MS update: “Kicked out” of PT today

Okay, I wasn’t really kicked out. I was, however, sent home early. When I told the PT how deeply tired I have been, and explained how much pain I have been in the last few days, he put a cold wrap around my neck for ten minutes to try to control some of the maddening buzzing and tingling in my legs (nope), then sent me home.

I went into the hospital a month ago yesterday. This particular phase of my current flareup (which began way back in October), started eight days before I got into Beaumont. Feeling pretty angry and frustrated today. I don’t doubt God, and I’m not mad at God, it’s just coming from (I think) the constant uselessness and unreliability of my body. Heck, if I had a car that had been as useless and unreliable as my body has been the past five weeks, I’d be frustrated.

Right now the pain is the worst part of it, followed by the fatigue, followed by the deep loneliness of not being able to really explain this adequately to anybody, with the frustration and difficulty of walking (even though it looks good) placing a distant fourth. This morning I met with a group of pastor friends who were asking some questions and as soon as I opened my mouth to speak I felt frustrated. I barely know how to capture this in writing, much less in casual conversation.

Spiritually I feel dry, empty, used up, like I’ve got nothing left, like I used all my emotional and spiritual resources to get through my hospital stay, and every day I’m hollowing out inside. That sense of being hollowed out is part of the experience of suffering and no one — Christian or otherwise — gets to take a pass on it.

As I said I do not feel angry at God. It’s worse. I feel nothing at all, save the weight of these seemingly endless hours.

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I am a licensed counselor in Michigan. I also teach for Spring Arbor University part-time.

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Posted in MS Status Updates
11 comments on “MS update: “Kicked out” of PT today
  1. I read this. I wasn’t going to comment because I can’t think of anything to say. But I didn’t want to leave without telling you I was here. It seems that if technology can take us almost mystically out of the current place we seem physically in, that perhaps it mystically takes us to another place to be present. So maybe for a few short minutes I was there with you. Tongue-tied.

  2. kathy paris says:

    Like Joanna, I wasn’t going to reply because there really isn’t anything that you can say that will make this better. Just want you to know that we are out there trying to understand how you must feel. Depressed, useless, frustrated, God!, I cannot imagine. You are loved and we are glad that you are there and trying to get through this.

    • Thank you so much, Kathy. It’s hard for friends to hang on, to stay present, through another friend’s long illness. I have been on the other side of this and I know how hard it can be. So glad you decided to chime in. It’s a blessing.

  3. Janet Hinkley says:

    I can sure feel for you, Dave. I know what its like to be in pain every day, to have trouble walking, and a list of other medical woes. Its frustrating and lonely and just plain depressing. It has become hard for me to even do my regular volunteer work, and that’s a kick in the teeth because that, at least, makes me feel productive. I want you to know that you are not alone and many others are going through something similar. Right now, as difficult as it is, I am going through a 13 week class with my Labrador retriever so she can be certified as a therapy dog. Then at least we can go to hospitals, nursing homes, hospice, the Whaley Children’s home, etc. and cheer people up and make them feel less alone, while cheering myself up at the same time. I limp along on my rolling walker but slowly I get there. For me, the hardest part is just forcing myself to get out of bed and out of the house to do something productive that will make me feel better in the end. A lot of people share the boat we are in. My best wishes to you. I saw your dad at Meijer today and he looked great. It was nice to see him. Janet

  4. Kim Nebel says:

    me too, I’m here, and so clearly the Holy Spirit is here with you as well, because we two or more have gathered together here, embrace you with love and prayers for hope and healing. I’m just gonna rest here a minutes in His Presence, thank you for drawing me in

  5. D. David Kessler says:

    Today started day one of a five day run again. Legs are my issue. The “key taste” is back. Forgot what that metal taste in the back of my tongue feels like. It’s a different journey for all of us. As unique as our finger prints. But at least two stings seem consistent. There is the low bass string, sometimes rarely heard from, but so important. It’s vibrations remain longer than the sound. There is the high string that is more shrill and hollow, and yet heard more often. It’s sound doesn’t stay in the background of my mind, it leaks into everything. The low string is my faith, the high string is my question. Let your song be based on the low E, even when you can’t hear it.
    Fellow Traveler

    • Thanks, Dave. Love it. Believe it or not, I know what you mean about the metallic taste. I experienced that in college for about three-four weeks. I wasn’t even diagnosed then and it eventually went away and I thought nothing of it until years later. Then one day the “Aha!” came. Great stuff from a guy who has been there. Thanks so much.

    • Are you in hospital, or at home?

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