I got out of the hospital two years ago (my first MS-related hospitalization in nearly 25 years with the disease) and it has been a long, slow, incredibly frustrating struggle back to health and strength. But it was working. Three weeks ago I was feeling so good I started Couch 2 5K, getting back to my love of running. For two weeks I felt absolutely amazing, like I almost really had my life back.
Then a slow-moving but sudden numbness and tingling, starting in feet, climbing up legs, up to my waist, torso, butt. Muscles getting weaker. Grabbing the cane again to walk. After feeling the elation again of strength and health the last few months, walking almost completely without the cane for almost six months, running, somehow it hurts so much worse this time to feel like I’m losing it all again.
Five minutes ago, writing this post, was the first time I have shed tears about this condition in 18 years. All through the events of two years ago — no tears.
But done with that now. Time to look up again.
From a song I composed during a flareup 18 years ago:
“Now days roll by where it’s all I’ve got
Just to make my coffee and pour a cup
Before I stumble to bed, turn out the light, pray for strength for what comes next.”
And what comes next? Another trip to Beaumont. Hoping it goes away or gets better. Hoping one day I can run again but realizing maybe I’m really going to have to be a bike person.
No attempts here to be a hero, or to inspire anyone.
While I’m not scared physically (I’m not sure I have the capacity anymore to care what happens to my physical body — I guess we’ll see), I’m so frustrated and disappointed to be back in this place again.
“But Pastor Dave, what are your words of wisdom? What message can you bring us to lift our spirits, give us hope, show us the bright side, demonstrate that God, Christ, and their matchless love ultimately prevail?”
“Yeah — where’s the soaring language?”
“Hey everybody — be quiet. He’s gonna say something!!”
Me: I’m getting kind of tired. I think I’ll go home now.
It doesn’t help that I’m off Facebook for Lent, so I feel really isolated. In times like this, I guess, you just try to remember what you know to be true.
I am loved.
I am loved.
I am loved.